I was facilitating an executive team offsite a few weeks ago, and the team created a simple yet powerful practice to create more open and candid dialogue.
We were setting up agreements for the retreat – and to use going forward – on how they would engage with each other; how they would create safe space for difficult conversations; and what they would expect of each other and themselves.
One of the team members offered, “We need a safe word.”
He was questioned, and he explained. “The word we can say when we need a minute, or when we get triggered by something someone says or does.”
The team quickly saw the value in that. They’d been together a long time, and they knew they could trigger each other. They also knew that if they were triggered and didn’t acknowledge it, their time together would most likely be wasted.
Someone offered a somewhat joking gesture, “slicing” their hand beneath their chin, as if they are cutting something off, and they all jumped on it in agreement. It had enough familiarity to recognize how well they knew each other and enough seriousness that they couldn’t ignore it.
That gesture was used multiple times during the retreat. Each time it appeared, the person speaking acknowledged, apologized, and worked to reframe what they had said so the person who was triggered could hear it. With each use of the gesture, the conversations continued, and the team worked through their challenges.
As humans, we trigger each other and are triggered by each other. Sometimes it’s intentional. Sometimes it’s just the way things land. Sometimes it’s dependent on the relationship or the situation or our mood that day.
The beauty of having a safe way to call out the trigger is that it allows us to make mistakes and move past them. It gives space for us to want to leave a conversation and, instead, find a way to stay engaged. It paves a path for us to have the discussions we might be dreading and still end up with an intact relationship and hopefully a resolution and desired outcome.
I was so impressed by my clients. I may suggest a ‘safe gesture’ in other retreats we facilitate from now on.
If you enjoyed this post, you can read more like it in our book, The Power of Thoughtful Leadership: 101 Minutes To Being the Leader You Want To Be, available on Amazon.
For support in facilitating those conversations, contact Lisa at lkohn@chatsworthconsulting.com.
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