“I just can’t help it. That’s just how I am.” I have heard this sentiment and similar ones from leaders over my years of coaching. It is a thought pattern that says that certain behaviors are just part of their personality and there’s nothing they can do about it. In truth, it’s probably that they don’t want to do anything about it. Which is understandable but gets in the way.
Case in point – One manager I worked for early in my career made it clear that when he was on deadline, everyone had better steer clear. As our publication date drew close each month, he would become harsh, curt and sometimes, downright mean. “You know I’m on deadline,” he would say. “This is how I get. Don’t take it personally.” But many of his colleagues, including me, did take his rude behavior personally, and they learned to work around him and keep him out of the loop. His reputation as a difficult manager followed him once he (happily for us!) moved to a different part of the company.
A more recent example is a leader who was struggling with building effective relationships with her peers. If questions arose about her projects during biweekly leadership meetings, she would become very defensive. She felt her peers were competing with her and trying to undermine her, and so she reacted accordingly. She said, “I wish I could change the way I react, but I can’t.” Of course, she absolutely can choose to react differently – to be more open, to assume positive intent, to communicate more with her peers, and build trust. It might be hard for her, but she can do it.
We all make choices every day about our behavior and our reactions to others’ behaviors. We can make a choice to continue what has not worked, or we can make the choice to stop unproductive or hurtful behavior. When we make choices that build relationships, repair damage we may have caused, add deposits to the emotional bank account, and engender trust, we are more effective. That pays off in more and deeper connections with the people in our lives, more productive interactions, and greater success.
If you are still stuck in believing that you are unable to change an unproductive behavior, that in itself is a choice you are making. Instead:
- Take responsibility for how you communicate, how you interact with others, and how you handle difficult situations. Own up to the things you do that get in the way of your effectiveness – and embrace the behaviors that are working for you right now.
- Be open to feedback from others so that you can be called on behaviors that others do not appreciate. Invite others to share their perspective on what you do that works and what doesn’t.
- Notice and reflect on the things that trigger your negative behavior. What’s the hammer to the knee that causes you to react the way that you do? How can you avoid or diminish the trigger? What can you choose to do in reaction to it?
- Be patient with yourself when you fall back into patterns and reactions that are unproductive. Rather than beat yourself up, forgive yourself, apologize as necessary, and try again.
- Get support from people you trust and who will be honest with you. Ask them to call out when you are effectively practicing new behaviors and when you may be slipping into old ways of interacting with others.
If you enjoyed this post, you can read more like it in our book, The Power of Thoughtful Leadership: 101 Minutes To Being the Leader You Want To Be, available on Amazon.
For help in adopting more effective ways of interacting with others, contact Robyn at rmcleod@chatsworthconsulting.com.
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