Over the many years I’ve had many clients tell me about parts of themselves that they can’t stand.
“I’m too sensitive,” I hear from one client. “I hate the way I people please,” from another. “My need for control is getting in the way of my delegating,” from a third. “I can’t seem to lower my frustration and need to push back in our team meetings,” from one more.
I’ve pretty much heard it all.
These behaviors do get in our way, derailing our leadership and well-being, and there are reasons and ways to lessen them. That said, before we do our best to rid ourselves of parts of us that we don’t like, how do we explore the beauty and learning for us within them as well?
These deeply engrained behaviors and approaches are engrained for a reason. Somewhere in our life and/or leadership journey, we somehow learned that we needed them to be effective or to survive tough situations. Perhaps we were faced with challenges or even trauma in our childhood, and we adapted as necessary. Perhaps our first manager “taught” us that the only way to succeed was to fight…or please…or control. Perhaps a teacher or parent “taught” us that we needed to be perfect.
How and wherever we learned these engrained behaviors, they most likely served us at that time. The challenge is when these seem to be the only behaviors available to us. When we seemingly have no choice in how we act.
There are also gifts for us – and those around us – in our disliked behaviors. That leader who is so sensitive? They might be best at recognizing behavior in others that will disrupt a team. The person who feels they people please? Their ability to sense and respond to others’ needs might be unsurpassable. That leader who is too controlling is probably excellent at setting high standards and moving a team into necessary action. The person who pushes back and argues may be needed when situations and solutions need to be considered from different viewpoints.
Again, the difference in whether these behaviors help or hinder lies in how they are used and how often they are used. Whether and how we can be at choice and lean into the gifts rather than the detractions. The difference is also in how we learn to accept, understand, and even appreciate these behaviors – for how they’ve kept us “safe,” for how they worked for us in the past, for the gifts that lie in them in the now.
And when we accept, understand, and appreciate ourselves – when we love ourselves First Most Always as I remind myself and others as often as possible – we lean more into the gifts of these behaviors.
I’ve just spent three powerful days with coaches from around the world who all help their clients learn about and work with these “least favorable” behaviors.
We use an assessment – the Leadership Circle Profile™ – that is built from a leadership model that maps out ways to unhook ourselves from our reactive tendencies and behaviors, so that we have greater control over how we lead and engage with others. Over the years, I’ve witnessed the learnings from this model and assessment propel my clients into being the leaders, and people, they want to be.
Whether or not you choose to engage in the Leadership Circle Profile™ – with us or with another coach – I encourage you to learn more about your behaviors and tendencies. When you understand why they may be there, what they may have to teach you, and how you can use them to be even more successful, and even more of a leader whom others want to follow, you can soar.
If you enjoyed this post, you can read more like it in our book, The Power of Thoughtful Leadership: 101 Minutes To Being the Leader You Want To Be, available on Amazon.
To learn more about the Leadership Circle Profile™, contact Lisa at lkohn@chatsworthconsulting.com.
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