“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”~Rumi
Yesterday my client shared with me their anger. They also shared how they’d come to accept that they were angry, but they didn’t like that about themselves.
Anger can be a tough feeling, and it’s certainly one that many of us are uncomfortable having. It’s one that we either don’t express, because we think we shouldn’t be angry at all, or we don’t express well, because it can overtake us. Or we are dealing with a perception that we are not ”allowed” to be angry (read that: the stereotype of the angry black woman or angry black man).
But anger is a necessary protective emotion. It can tell us when something is not right, or at least not right for us. There absolutely are times when we need to be angry. When our anger is justified. When there is something wrong or unjust happening.
There are also times, for some of us, when our anger is an engrained behavior. Something that served us once but may not help us now. With that in mind, I reminded my client of their Leadership Circle Profile™ 360 feedback assessment. I reminded them that Reactive Tendencies – including anger – are there for a reason. They are our “fight, flight, freeze, and fawn behaviors,” and they are, again, protective. They may be behaviors and approaches we needed when we were young, because our world was perhaps not safe or stable enough, or when we were faced with difficulties and wanted to shut others out.
Either way, they’re there for a reason, and they have gifts for us. And one of the best and surest ways to find those gifts is to accept and even appreciate those Reactive Tendencies, and then recognize whether it’s a time to be angry – and then “how” to be angry effectively – or whether it’s a learned behavior that will get in our way. It’s also important to recognize if you’re concerned that society may “frown” on you being angry – whether because you’re a person of color, a woman, queer, or anything and anyone who is, at times, silenced by our culture.
I suggested to my client that they take time to sit with the anger, when they could. That they begin to define themself not as an angry person, but as someone who has felt anger at times. As someone who is potentially shifting that engrained reaction and who is open to learning to find ways to cool their anger when necessary and express it effectively when necessary. And as someone who has been, at times, told not to be angry and who, therefore, may need to also let that anger be and be expressed.
Our emotions, anger included, are parts of us and necessary parts of us. Like in the animated movies, Inside Out and Inside Out 2, our emotions give us information and make us who we are.
The opportunity lies in how we accept our emotions, appreciate them, recognize what we’ve been taught about them, shift away from them when they don’t serve us well – and work with them and express them when they do.
If you enjoyed this post, you can read more like it in our book, The Power of Thoughtful Leadership: 101 Minutes To Being the Leader You Want To Be, available on Amazon.
For support in loving your anger, amongst other things, contact Lisa at lkohn@chatsworthconsulting.com.
Click here to receive The Thoughtful Leaders™ Blog posts via e-mail and receive a copy of “Ending Leadership Frenzy: 5 Steps to Becoming a More Thoughtful and Effective Leader.”
Photo Credit: MicroOne/Bigstock.com
